Assisted Loving

So my friend Debra has a book now, too. Try not to act so surprised I have a friend. And yes, she’s female, which normally would disqualify her from the possibility of my liking her. But see, she is not normal. Like the Blobs, she don’t pay too much attention to what gender is supposed to do what. She just does, suffers the consequences, and moves on without learning more from her mistakes than your average artist, which is to say nothing at all.

Her book, Assisted Loving, is about her geezer dad who she took care of because your geezers need looking after seeing as how they no longer have the attention span to drive or handle power tools but, being men, think that refusing to acknowledge their failing faculties will magically restore them to full vigor. It’s an ebook, so you can read it whether you’re on Earth or on Unpronounceable. Go check it out. Buy it. You got nothing better to do with your money, so make an artist’s day.

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Don't Bother to Share

Don’t send me one of those Facebook insult posts pretending to be about connecting with your “real”
friends. You know, where you ask me to “Like” and “Share” some badly written desperate plea to be treated better. All that makes me want to do is treat you worse. It's  all I can do to keep my own insecurities, neuroses, and general flaws from sending me to your house and  emptying the garbage can from the dog park in the middle of your front lawn. Blackmail don’t work unless you’ve got some killer photos of yours truly that I would sell my soul to keep from my Aunt Mizi.

I know you’re lonely and miserable, but that’s who you are embrace your unloveableness. Tell you what. You send me one of those and I’ll just Unfriend you. Problem solved.

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"The ‘Love Your Junk’ Diet-cross-posted from Ambassador Rose blog Junk food and guilt do..."

“The ‘Love Your Junk’ Diet-cross-posted from Ambassador Rose blog Junk food and guilt do not go together. What a waste of empty calories! Junk food is like love in a plastic wrapper, only instead of dumping you, in a couple of hours, you get to dump it and flush with nobody’s feelings hurt. Love is something a girl should always celebrate, even if it’s a pink Hostess cupcake of love that is gone in two bites. Give it your undivided attention! Lick the wrapper. Feel that sugar rush. Follow your bliss.

The time to eat healthy is while you are watching TV or playing World of Warcraft and you don’t really notice what’s going in your mouth. Whole wheat is for when your mind is elsewhere. Vegetables are perfect for when you’re mad at your sister  shrinking that expensive angora sweater that made you look slutty in a classy way but now only fits your Aunt Renata’s miniature poodle. No matter what you eat, it’ll turn to ashes in the heat of your rage. So eat something with a lot of crunch like celery to help you work off the adrenaline with some heavy chewing. This way your bowels can get what they need to make more room for the good stuff when you have the time and the attention to wallow in the indulgence.

So remember, your empty-but-orgasmic calories deserve total mindfulness. I mean, just think of the eons of civilization it took before artificial flavors was invented to trick your tongue into thinking it had died and gone to heaven. Have some respect. Praise the cupcake.

”

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Lunch with Marie enjoying a “grapefruit drop” vodka...

Lunch with Marie enjoying a “grapefruit drop” vodka cocktail. The glass is actually ice, and the sugar on the rim reminds me of my childhood sprinkling sugar on grapefruit for breakfast. via Facebook http://ift.tt/1So4Fn6 My Vagabond Year

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A future venue for the Bremerton Broad Humor Women’s...

A future venue for the Bremerton Broad Humor Women’s Comedy Fest once renovations are completed. via Facebook http://ift.tt/1qz0oHn My Vagabond Year

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"-cross-posted from Ambassador Rose blog One of your biggest problems being Ambassador on another..."

“

-cross-posted from Ambassador Rose blog

One of your biggest problems being Ambassador on another planet is what to wear. I mean, the Blobs here, they got no clothes. But me, I didn’t coldcock a mother of twins at the Bloomingdale’s basement sale just to leave that satin split-to-the-crotch designer rag sitting in the closet. Not that Unpronounceable had closets when I first got here. I had to explain about wardrobe, and then they made me a place to stash it.

In any case, there I am with everybody else in their birthday suit, and me spending an hour in the morning putting my face on and then squeezing into pants that I bought to fit after I lose that five pounds of water retention I gained eating salty food two years ago. The Blobs, they could benefit from some designer jeans to make them only got muffin tops instead of muffin everywhere except maybe the soles of their feet. If they had feet. But they don’t seem to care about appearance at all.

I can’t stand it. How do you talk about shapeless? It has no shape. Not to mention that putrid pink color of theirs that nothing natural on earth could ever compete. Pink like that on purpose is offensive, so as a fashion statement would make it okay for a girl to wear if she’s trying to piss her boss off. But such pink and so much of it talking to you all day au naturel is enough to send any sane person to bed for a month. Only I gotta be ambassadorial instead of an ass, and so there I am, on my feet, which are permanent fixtures and not just some blobby approximation, looking at a closet full of clothes that are seriously uncomfortable and thinking that hey, if nobody cares… Seriously. What would you do?”

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Puffer Sound must be a node on my personal ley lines, so many...

Puffer Sound must be a node on my personal ley lines, so many connections and convergences keep bringing me back here.

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Art and poetry memoir of 2015: my Vagabond Year that has turned...

Art and poetry memoir of 2015: my Vagabond Year that has turned into a vagabond life. The artwork is a miniature: marker on plastic credit card blanks, 2.12″ x 3.37″ or 85 x 54mm

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Page 1 of A Year in Miniature:The Empty-Handed Leap

Page 1 of A Year in Miniature:The Empty-Handed Leap

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Heading out to the Electric Lodge in Venice to read from my...

Heading out to the Electric Lodge in Venice to read from my forthcoming book, Unpronounceable, at tonight’s Max10 theater lab. The book is a scifi/fantasy romp that starts off with fart jokes and alien sex and finishes with a full-scale Hollywood extravaganza. We’re about two weeks out from the launch, at which point I will be expecting you all to buy one if not multiple copies. via Facebook http://ift.tt/1VrPuyF My Vagabond Year

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Fun button swag at #awp16. Love them but not sure which is truly...

Fun button swag at #awp16. Love them but not sure which is truly me.

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